Yellow

Third post!
And today,i'm in the mood for purely Coldplay music while typing this.I've had an amazing day.Even though i was supposed to wake up by 7.30 AM,which of course i didn't because once again i was awake till around 6 AM talking to a very dear friend,Pink.I've missed her so much.And she strangely thinks the exact same way i do.What i mean is,everytime we see something funny,we find exact same reason to laugh about that thing.And she pictures exactly what i picture sometimes.Of course,this doesn't apply to every single thing.That's not possible.We're different people and it's nice like that.I don't think i'd want to be hanging out somebody exactly like me.What's the fun in that?That's why i love our group at college so much.Each of us sort of form a unique piece of our very own little jigsaw puzzle.And i miss each and every one of them!For different reasons.I'm listening to an amazing song.'Life in Technicolour'.That's a song that just never stops to make me recognise some new sound each time i hear it.It's so pretty.And i think it's called what it's called very aptly.And the video is adorable!

Anyway,as i was saying,i woke up late once again.I think by around 12.30 PM.My mum of course did not approve.Anyway,i finally got my ass up and decided to make a call.I hadn't talked to Dragonfly all of yesterday and i planned to confront him about it today.But as soon as he picked up,half my mind just asked me to ditch it and make some 'happy' conversation.But the other,thank god that was more dominant,told me to straighten things up.Tell him how i feel.Get it out.Even if to him,it might have sounded like all this was coming from me too soon.I mean,i had barely given him any time to prove anything to me right?I mean,he was probably just tired and had fallen asleep right?But were these reasons really going to stop me from thinking about the whole thing and actually believing that he didn't call me because he couldn't and not wouldn't?Hell no!So i got it out.I explained to him.There was a long awkward silence.I know he'd heard what i had just said.So was he thinking of hanging up?What was it?Why wasn't he saying anything?What the hell?I didn't know him anymore!How was i supposed to know what he was really thinking?And besides,i'm too insecure to believe any good was coming my way.Finally,he said,he had fallen asleep and he was very sorry.I obviously,did not buy it.So i decided to ask him more questions.I do that a lot.To test people.I feel like it'll get me somewhere.But,honestly,with him,i was too scared to ask him anything.What he told me something i really didn't want to hear.I asked him what we were.What was i to him.And again,after a long awkward silence,he cleared his throat,and he said "We're friends."
Somehow,when he said that,i felt like everything i'd worked for had come crashing down.Was this guy for real?Were we really just friends?So i asked him "Really?".He answered "Yes Blackbird,we're friends.You're one of my closest ones actually."He's always had that habit of saying my name.He almost said my name in every sentence.And i loved that about him.When he said my name that time,in seconds i was thinking about how once,there was a network problem with my cellphone.And how my voice was go on and off on his end,everytime he called.I could hear him clearly on my end.It was frustrating of course till there was this point we reached every time,when he couldn't hear me at all.And this would go on for about 20-30 seconds.And as every one of those 20-30 seconds passed,he'd say my name.Again and again and again.I know he was helpless.But that's not what i was thinking about.I loved the way he said my name.And i loved hearing him saying it again and again and again.With that tone of worry and helplessness.It sounded like he loved me.Really loved me.This was one of the few things that reminded me that he still loved me.I did mention,i'm a very insecure person right?Anyway,going back to our conversation,when i did actually get my head back to where i really didn't want to be,i realised he was waiting for me to say something.I just said 'Oh'.So he continued.There were apparently a lot of things he needed to talk to me about apparently.In person.I asked him why he couldn't just tell me everything over the phone.And so he started.He said he really wasn't even supposed to be talking to me anymore.He said all his friends had asked him to stop talking to me.They'd told him to start talking to me again when we'd both moved on and were too busy in our little lives to complicate the other one's.But still he was talking to me?I asked him "How come?".He explained to me that it'd been extremely easy for him to cut off his previous girlfriend.At that time,he'd believed he really loved her.And the fact that he could cut HER off was a big big deal.He'd cut off a lot of friends.I knew that.But he said,with me it was different.it was me.It was him and me.Me and him.We were us.How could he cut me off?I was extremely happy to hear that but i still managed to keep my tone relaxed and even a little bored.We talked off other things.But in the way he talked to me,i felt like just a friend,just a small little speck of dirt in his big huge dirty mucky windshield.But finally he said,"You know,i know you still like me a little bit".I turned red and held my breath.He continued.He sounded like he was smiling and i was too scared to think of what was coming next.Had i become just a thing to boost his ego?
"You know honestly?"

A little pause.I was still holding my breath.

"I like you a little bit too!"

I exhaled finally,very deeply.Who cares if i sounded like a balloon that had just been popped?Those were the words i had been praying to hear!And how nicely it was delivered!Retaining my composure,i smiled.He really was a sweetheart.Things had changed about him.But not that!I was glad.
"Ooh!",i almost nearly squeaked."You do?"
Of course,i didn't want to make it sound like it had made a difference to me,so i said "Hmm..okay".
He said "I think about you a lot.I think about all the stuff we did.Those were great memories."
I just said "Hmm..".I mean he did mention "memories" right?So this was the past?
"Sometimes i think about asking you out" he said."But i know it wouldn't work.We're just too far away.But that doesnt stop me from hurting."
Now i felt sad.What he was saying was true.Long distance relationships don't work!I had experience!So i said "I think that too.I think it wouldn't work too.I'm glad we're not together Dragonfly.I wouldn't want things to get screwed up again.We should just work on being friends.That's it".He sounded like he was giving one of his weak smiles.
Then,we continued talking about other things,fun things,like "friends" were supposed to.Once again,there was a silence.It wasn't awkward this time though.More thoughtful.So i asked him."What are you thinking about?"
And he said,rather quickly,"Asterix and Obelix".I laughed and i asked "Really?".When he said that,i thought of how in this movie "Never Been Kissed",Josie asks Guy what he's thinking about when they're dancing as Prom King and Queen on that beautiful stage.He stares at her for a while and he says "My sword".That totally cracked me up.I wondered if guys are really like that.There's a comfortable silence,and you're thinking "Yea,this guy is totally thinking about something that's meaningful or heartwarming".But no,instead he's thinking about the most random thing?Was Dragonfly like this too?
He did answer.To my "Really?" question.Not that i was even expecting an answer,let alone what came next.

He said "No.I was thinking about you."

I could've fainted hearing all that.

But me being "composed" and "cool" and "in control" of what was going on,i just laughed and said "Hmm.." again.
Then we talked for a while and he said he had to go.There was this one last question i was dying to ask.And it wasn't just a boring one.It was naughty.I wasn't sure he was ready to hear it then though.
Then this sudden streak of confidence hit me and i blurted "I need to ask you once last thing Dragonfly!".
Immediately after that i started whimpering saying "I don't know if i should do this" and "I'm scared" and blah blah.
But he convinced me to get it out.I was scared,once again,that his answer would be something i didn't want to hear.

I began with "So..".
"If i kissed you?Would you kiss me back?"
Once again i was breathless.What was going to say?Maybe i should just learn to keep my trap in control!
Annoyingly,he said "Where?If you kissed me where?".He was smiling.It was obvious.

So i just said "You really don't know where?On the lips fool!"
I think one part of me fainted,shocked with the guts i suddenly had.

He laughed.And he said "Yes,actually,i think i would kiss you back.On the lips."

Both of us laughed.I felt a lot lighter.I could also feel change.Something better was coming for both of us,finally.

"So when we're both done with college,you promise you'll take me on a date?A real one?"

He laughed."I promise,Blackbird".

Aah!He said my name!I felt giddy.And so happy i could talk to him normally again.
He hung up and we both decided to talk to each other later.
We did infact.About 5 times after that conversation.

For the rest of the day,i passed time with 2 friends,one i happen to have an immensely huge crush on,Fox,because he's such a great guy with an ever greater body.Haha!I'm probably seeing him again tomorrow and i can't wait!
It's fun having random crushes on people.It makes life more interesting!

Anyway,what i did feel at the end of the day,before i started to type out this post was this.
Things were getting better.
It was a new beginning.A new chapter.With a few pages borrowed from the previous chapter.
I still loved for the same reasons.And i knew i was being loved for the same reasons.
God knows what's going to happen in the near future.
But i definitely can't wait to find out!

Last thought:

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all "Yellow."

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true.
Look how they shine for you.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

Split Screen Sadness

So..This is my second post.I don't know if i'm used to this yet.It's liking meeting a person you met for a while who you think you like.You're not sure you like him yet.But you wouldn't mind seeming him again.And before you do,you're nervous,but still a little excited.Hmm..I'm listening to 'Hotel California' by The Eagles.That's one song the whole world has heard!I know this guy,Nose,who has a sort of strange taste in music.Don't get me wrong,i'm not judging the person he is.But his taste is a little weird.He likes the Bee Gees(i like them too..sometimes.They can be fun!),Boney M,some over-rated songs by Linkin Park,some by Bryan Adams and of course,'Hotel California'.I mean,isn't that a little strange?How can you like only taht much and listen to that much?Doesn't you taste in music grow with you?Expand too?He's just stuck.Or maybe i'm just mean.See,i can get like that.I should leave him and his taste alone and not write about it right?But i can't!Anyway,the song.The lines that really make me think are probably 'Some dance to remember,Some dance to forget'.
What i really feel like listening to right now is 'Behind Blue Eyes'.The one by Limp Bizkit.There's something about the way Fred Durst sings it that just makes me go 'aah'.Haha.I just searched for it on iTunes and i can't find it!How annoying!I'll just have to settle with what's playing now then.'Outside' by Staind.The thing is,this song hardly makes me think.
Aah!I can't take it anymore!Next song!

Aah!And this is a 'good' 'aah'.'Flying High' by Jem.I love this song.When i'm in the mood and this song is all i can hear,i feel it.Jem's voice is beautiful.I was watching this show on TV.On Discovery Travel and Living(I love the channel!).And there was thing on a couple getting married.On a hot air balloon.I don't know if that's very romantic.First of all,i'm scared of heights.And second,where's the bloody space for your poor guests?!Anyway,when they were exchanging vows,this song was playing.And i hadn't heard in a really long time and i thought,i have to listen to this tonight before i go to bed.And after i watched that program,i had a shower.It was around 12.15 AM.And really,i was expecting Dragonfly to call.He hasn't called all day and it worries me.I hate the distance we have between us now that just never seems to stop growing.We were really something else a while back but now,it just hurts.Anyway,i thought i'd put my phone on silent.Sort of on-purpose not hear the phone ringing if he called and maybe make him feel a little 'Where is she?I need to talk to her!'.But that didn't happened.It's 2.37 AM.And he still hasn't called.What i really wanted to do tonight was put up this post and sleep.But i got on Facebook.And Facebook being Facebook didn't let me do that.I chatted with Baby,OldMan and my biggest darling,Pink.I haven't talked to her in a while and i think it was nice catching up.Still,what i really wanted,even at that moment,was Dragonfly.Why does all this hurt so much?Why hasn't it stopped.I mean,it has been a while.I should be used to this.Right?Because of how depressed i've been over this entire week,due to various reasons,i haven't done much.I've just eaten things that gave me pimples and slept.And i missed my driving classes.And i was supposed to start going to the gym too.Hah.The gym.My affairs with the gym are funny and sad.The last time i went to the gym,i really lost weight and worked hard and all that.And this was just before my board exams.So when i went to the school the day of the first exam,i remember wearing a slightly more tight skirt.And someone noticed.It was my classmate's mum,Nosy Aunty.And she was all "My god!Blackbird!You've lost so much weight!Now all the boys will be after you!Blah blah bla..".She had no idea what i would look like by the time the exams were over.Nor did my trainer at the gym.Nor did i.When they were over,i was fat!And so ashamed of myself!Throughout,to stay awake to study,i'd eaten every last bit of cheese and crackers that was at home and ordered my mum to buy more.I was addicted to the stuff!The weird thing was,i didn't even like cheese till the first day of my exams.I hated it!What a problem that has become!The love for cheese.I have to worry about my weight more now!Worrying about weight is a horrible thing.I would never wish it on anyone.I always wonder why God made some of thin and some fat.It's just not fair.My sister eats anything that comes her way and still remains skinny.It sucks!

Now i'm listening to 'Dil Gira Dafataan' from Delhi-6.I love everything about the song.The instruments,the mood,the voice.Even the video.It's so soft.And a little strange but pretty too.Like a nice dream.I almost sigh every time i listen to it.There was thing Dragonfly used to do and sometimes still do.Completely break down a favourite song into different parts and discuss what we thought of each part.And maybe sometimes even make our own video of the song.I don't know what he really pictures when listens to this song.I think of him when i listen to this.And maybe even picture myself and him in the existing video.Especially the last part of it,when Sonam Kapoor removes the mask off Abhishek Bachan's head.It's so..aah!The thing is,i don't really think of Dragonfly this much.I don't have the time to.And sometimes i've just accepted what we have now.But there are times when i feel like things could be better and i believe he wants it to be better too and i want him to call and he doesn't call.And then i feel sad.But this doesn't usually happen much.That's probably because i'm not alone much.Now,i feel alone a lot.I have my people of course.Cartoon,Horse,Baby.Even Pink.They're my treasures.Still,they're all so far away.Baby feels close a lot though.
My story with Baby is a complete other thing.We're friends.And more than that.Much more than that.Sometimes,when i think i'm supposed to be thinking about Dragonfly i think about Baby.And then,i'm just confused.Baby and i have a past too.With ups and downs too.Things weren't s great with him for a while too but now i think they're at there best.But why am i confused?Is it Baby?Is it Dragonfly?Sometimes i think even be someone else.Someone everything hasn't happened yet with.I wish i could just fast forward you know?See who it is,that i'm going to have and keep forever with me.I'm a hopeless romantic.I love the idea of forever.And of actually having someone who's mine.Some people don't believe in that.I have every reason not to.My parents didn't work out,and i've heard of enough stories of cheating husbands and wives.But i won't be one of them.I just know it.I'll have the marriage that'll last.That'll have people saying "Look at them!Why can't we be more like them?!".Like my grandparents.They have an amazing marriage.They're each other's closest confidante and lover.

But right now,all that's playing in my head like a slideshow are the mistakes i made and the things i lost ing the process.And me wondering why i feel this way and why things have turned out this way.
I don't know how all these make me look.But i know what got me here.The little tiff i had with someone i maybe care the most about on default or even the fighting that i did with someone i'd dreamed about being forever with.
I'm sure we share the same sadness.Split Screen Sadness.

Last thoughts:

And I don’t know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wonderin' when the call comes
Where you say it’s alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch ‘till you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight.


"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's
Nothing to blame At the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness.

I called
because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day
Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness.

Blackbird

So this is the first blog.It took me a REALLY long time to get started.First,i had a problem with my nickname and the name of my blog.I mean obviously this is an impression i'm setting right?I definitely didn't(still don't!) want to go wrong there.Why did i choose 'Blackbird'?Because it's cool!Haha.No,seriously,the song really touches me.And i don't mean in a 'it-touches-my-heart' way.It just does something.Changes the way i think.Or sometimes makes me think.And the singing.So not complicated.Just perfect.Great song!Like all the other Beatles' songs.

And my blog name.I had a huge problem with that too.I thought.For so long.I'd always pictured blogging with titles of those of songs.Songs i felt like that day.So i decided to call it something related to soundtrack.Or theme.I've always thought life(iaah..it already sounds philosophical and *sigh*) was a lot like a movie and each moment has it's own little song.I did't want something too cheesy or wannabe and i thought OST sounded least of anything of that sort.So OST!

I really don't know what to type about in a blog.Do i describe myself?Mention the things i like?Do i already make what kind of person i am perfectly clear to someone?When i actually mention the things i like and don't like,aren't you already sizing me up and deciding for yourself who i am?Is that fair?No!So i think i'll let you figure out yourself.I'll just type down everything that's going on my head and stop there.

I haven't had a very productive day.And i really didn't think i'd end up actually starting to blog today.I did have a few phonecalls,some of which surprised me.And made me think.I always think.I over-think.It irritates me to a very large extent.Me and a lot of my friends.But i do have company.And when i feel like that,i talk to Penguin.Or Horse.Or even Football.I write to Baby.Or sometimes even talk to him.But what i dream about most is doing all this with Dragonfly.Writing to him.Talking to him.Just sitting quietly and listening to my ipod with him.I don't know if he fills my head every single time i have a problem,but i know i wish i had him.Everyone feels so far away sometimes.
Now that we have our holidays,and i'm back home,maybe things should have gotten easier when it comes to talking to certain people.It has.For some.Still,i do have my 'alone' moments.
The thing is,i'm not always this person.I'm not the depressed-forever,sympathy-seeking person really.Most people see me as an extremely happy person.Hyper.Loud.Warm.Maybe it's what i'm listening to just now that's affecting me.Of course it it!'Just Feel Better' - Santana ft. Steve Tyler.Brilliant song!

Anyway,i think i'll end here.Somehow i think if i write more and more today i might just over-think about a few things and end up crying.That happens a lot.And i cry at the drop of a hat.
So i'm going to stop.
Is that weird?
Anyway.
Maybe i'll get better fast.Looking forward to doing this again!

Last thoughts:

'And I know, I know, I know,
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason.
I don't, I don't, I don't
It goes I never went before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better,
Tell me what to do,
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better..'