I Carry Your Heart With Me

I feel like i'm expected to be this respectable,mature and serious human being who's only supposed to be making the right decisions,saving money and listening to sober/melancholy music when i'm not busy planning my future.

I miss my mom.

My mother. She laughs at my stupid jokes,pretend-gags at my dirty ones and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. She's the one,maybe the only one,who's telling me that i'm JUST 19 and that i don't need to think so much and that i can go out and have fun once in a while.
She says i'll always be her baby. Most of the times she says that,i make this annoyed irritated face and try hard not to let her hug me.
But what i really feel inside is happy. I want to be someone's baby. I want to spoiled rotten. I want to be fed. I want to be hugged. I want to be told how special and beautiful i am and how proud anyone would feel to have a daughter like me. I want to be tickled and rubbed in the tummy till it hurts. I want to smell comfort. I want to be irritated for knowing that i'm not right. I want to be yelled at for my own good. I want to be woken up in the morning by something that's not an electronic device. I want to feel important. I want never to feel alone.
I want to feel like saying 'I love you too' but not,just to be irritating.
I want my mom.

There's nothing or no-one in the world that or who can make you feel more secure.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide,
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart,
I carry it in my heart.

E.E.Cummings

Wonderwall

It has been a while since i last blogged,again. And slowly i'm getting more and more frustrated with myself. I mean wasn't i the one who got all hyped up about blogging and made such a big deal about it and all that? Where has all that energy gone? Why does the energy always die? I was very ready to crack a lame joke about the Black Eyed Peas' album "The E.N.D" and what i've just said but i'm really no mood to even listen to my own poor lame jokes. I'm feeling awfully thoughtful today,sort of that absorbing everything around you sort of it. Even if i had an opinion on something right now,i wouldn't let it out in the open by speech. This is usually when i like to type. When i send the best text messages or write the best emails,or if i'm already on the phone,make the silence enjoyable in a silence-is-comforting sort of way. I do love silence. Of course not all the time. I'm a loud person. Loud enough. I don't mean screaming at the top of my voice everytime i'm excited at all. I mean i love to laugh. And make people laugh. And be happy. And bright. But how does that even mean i'm loud? I have no idea. Yes,now i feel like my lips are glued to each other but more than an hour ago,i was with my brother. Or atleast someone who might as well have been my brother. His mum and mine are best friends. They have been for a while. Futurekid is about three years younger than me but has still managed to do a lot more with the opposite sex than i have. He has an older brother,Loner who is about a year younger than me. He's in another country now studying business management. Seems like everyone's studying that. Even the engineers are being told to study it. So many from my college are planning to finish their 4 years of their B.E. course and move onto business management instead of moving on to doing Masters in a particular branch of engineering. Somehow i find that stupid. Okay i get that you need a sense of business and all that to move forward in your life but don't you need to finish what you started first? Leaving things incomplete has always irritated me. Whether it's cleaning only half a room,studying only half a chapter for an exam or watching just half of a movie. Yes,i may have done these things,but that does not mean that it doesn't sit in my head and very slowly rip it apart in the process. What was i really going to talk about? Aah,Futurekid and Loner. They're both very different from my sister and i. As different as can be infact. They've obviously been brought up differently,they have different priorities and their mother has an extremely different tolerance level from my mother. Mine doesn't allow me to even travel by public transport. Not anywhere in this city anyway. But when i'm at college,i can do what i want by which i mean i can travel by public transport. And i can do that alone. Not that my mum approves. But i feel like my mum doesn't approve of some of the strangest things. When i really think about that,i start to wonder what kind of a mother i will be. Will i let my daughter talk to all the boys she wants to? Will i let her do all the things my mum has let me to do with my boyfriend? Will i even let her have a boyfriend? Will i let her go out at night? I really don't know. Sometimes,i'm grateful for having a mother who's so cool with a lot of things i do. Still,i have done nothing Futurekid and Loner have done have i?
I hadn't met Futurekid in a while. He's the kind of guy who always a lot of these scandolous-but-true stories to tell. And he always tells them so brilliantly. I love the face he makes when he's telling them. Does he even have any idea of i occasionally blank out on what he's saying and just stare at his mature-but-kiddy face? When that happens i just feel like giving him a hug. But he's not like that. We're not like that. We don't hug. We don't tell each other we'll miss each other. We don't talk to each other when we're away. We don't even always remember we have each other. But we know. We know that when we see each other,nothing would've changed and we'll still be where we were,continue where we left off. Atleast i know. I know and i'm sure that he doesn't think about all this. It's a simple stupid thing to think about really and i'm sure he has better things to think about. Still,some of the things that come out of his mouth sometimes makes me believe all this,and believe in him. And us. No matter what people say,no matter how different we really are,no matter how much he drinks or smokes,i know that deep down,he is a kid. My kid brother. Who loves to tell stories.

My mum and i were out shopping for home appliances(Gosh how boring and ugh that sounds!) and looking for a few things for my new room back in college when my mum got a call from Cool Aunty,Futurekid's mum called. She asked to meet her at this coffee shop in a five star restaurant. When we got there i asked her why she'd randomly come to this place. And she said she'd really needed to take a leak but she felt too bad to just do that and spend any money at any of the restaurants at the hotel. The three of us laughed when she said that and i felt good thinking it's nice that people don't really completely grow up. It's nice to know that even 10-20 years from now,there is a possibility that i'll still be having stupid random thoughts everytime i'm in a situation. Anyway,we sat at that coffee shop for a while,talking about stupid things,when we finally decided we were all too hungry to go back home to eat dinner. There's a great restaurant at that hotel,one of my favourites,that serves the best black dal and stuffed kulchas in my opinion. So we went up there and and she decided to call Futurekid and ask him to join us. My sister's exams are going on at the moment and when we called her to ask her if she wanted to join us she exclaimed "No! I'm studying with Awkard on the phone! Please buy some coffee powder on the way back. I need to drink coffee all night. Oh and pack some dal!" So it was going to be the four of us. Of course Futurekid started off with a new super-scandolous story. He talked and talked and talked. He was so into telling me the story he'd hardly even touched his food. He's particular about using his hands to demonstrate how everything happens in all his stories. Of course i did that blanking out a little bit. I even heard my mum tell Cool aunty "Did you ever think that one day your son and my daughter would be in such an intense discussion?". I thought about that. Even i'd have never thought that Futurekid and i'd be sitting in the same table,let alone being involved in an intense discussion. By the time desserts had even been eaten,his story finally reached it's end. Sadly,it was time to go back home. My mum and his mum,who were in a hurry to use the loo again,disappeared off in an elevator while Futurekid and i,lost in our discussion missed that one and waited for another. Our discussion reached a topic that was sensitive to him. Girls. I asked him how he'd never felt anything on the emotional side for any girl. He said he could never even imagine doing anything that making out with a girl. He said "Talking to girls is boring. There's not much you can say after a point." I told him he just hadn't met the right person. He refused to believe me. By this time we were in the elevator. Then i asked " So i'm boring too huh?". He said,"Are you kdding? You think i'll ever find a girl like you? You're so much fun! There's no-one like you!". When he said that,it hit me. See the thing is,he didn't say it for it to hit me. He just said it. It's not like he'd even paused and thought about it. It'd come so spontaneously. And that made me so happy. I decided to let there be any sweet silence because that's not how it was all supposed to happen and decided to think about it once we got home. I just smiled and told him that he just hadn't found the right girl. We reached the entrance and our cars greeted us there. We got into our cars hardly even giving each other a hug and went our own seperate ways. I didn't know when i was going to see him next but i know that didn't matter. I'd still have everything from when we'd seen each other this time. That's always how it's been. What's strange is how its not like this with everyone. There are some people we need to talk to every day,every week,because we're scared or we believe that things will change with time unless we don't let it change. And then there are those with whom nothing changes. Not even with time. Does that mean that we love these people more? I still don't know if it means something. Maybe it has something to do with our own insecurities and how differently they come up with different people.

On my ride home,i think of how some people say things which are not even said in the kind of way that makes us remember those words forever but still does. How many times has that happened to me? How many things have people said that've gone unnoticed? Does everyone really listen to me when i whisper "I love you" to them? Who's really listening to everything you say? Who's really meaning everything they're saying?

I was doing this quiz today where i came across this question about "soulmates" and what i thought of them. Did i even believe they existed at all? Did i not believe they existed but secretly wish i'd be proved wrong? What did i think? I thought for a while. The soulmates issue is definitely something to me. I wasn't sure i knew what a soulmate was when i told someone that he was my soulmate. If i truly believed that he was my soulmate,why then when i met new people did i believe one or two of them were my soulmates too? There was option that said "Believe that a soulmate is not just one person and maybe divided between a few people". I chose that. Maybe a part of my soulmate is in Baby. Another in Pink. Another in Dragonfly. My soulmate is everything i am. Not my other half. But everything i am. I think that's the difference between "The One" and a soulmate. "The One" is your other half. Everything you're not. Everything you wished you were. But your soulmate is the other person who has the very same sense of identity you have inside you.

So what would i sing to my soulmate? I was really just going to post the lyrics of this song but i decided not to be so lazy and boring and decided to write a little bit. I don't know if there's another song i could possibly want to sing.

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you shoulda, somehow, realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you
By now you shoulda somehow realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall.

Just Like Heaven

And finally,my fourth post.

It's been such a long time since i last blogged.Things have happened.My mind has changed about several things several times.There have been appearances and disappearances.From this,i only know that life goes on.No matter what.It stops at nothing.I don't know if i see that as a good thing or a bad thing.Is it always better to leave things that have stopped working and move on?Give the least amount of time possible bidding farewell to those things that were once so heart-warming to us?
I'm listening to some instrumental music.It's 2.56 PM.And here i am blogging.It's afternoon.I've always thought it's weird to blog or to even sit and ponder in the afternoon.I mean who does that?Afternoons are for people to catch up on their sleep,made easy to fall into after a heavy lunch,or maybe catch up on some television-watching.But thinking,nail-biting and blogging?No.Strangely i'm doing that now.Maybe it's the weather.And the kind of music i've been listening to all morning.And the thoughts i couldn't stop myself from having.I've noticed,the music i listen to while typing affects the way i type to a strangely great extent.Shouldn't it just affect the way i think?I love the piano.I believe it is the most beautiful instrument.It can be so soft and touch you in all those places you didn't know existed in you.And make you feel a little warm.A little cold.Almost ticklishly.Like a kiss.Look at me,ranting like an old woman who's experienced great things!Like i said,it's the music.The pretty pretty way the piano is being played.One of the songs that i am just obsessed with,one of these kinds,is "Benjamin and Daisy" from "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" Soundtrack.Try and listen to it if you're interested in knowing how i feel right now.
All these days,the days i haven't been blogging,i've had so much to think about.So many things that have changed my mind or just simply changed themselves.It's crazy how nothing needs more than a second to happen.
I've fallen in love again.How dramatic that sounds.But i believe it's true.It's not like it wasn't true all along.But something was missing after a point earlier.But now that's back.And it feels new and fresh again.Like i'm falling again.Like you can feel yourself blushing so much it hurts.It's an amazing feeling.I don't exactly know to describe it,but it makes me feel pretty.And makes me think of the image of a dimly lit room through someone else's eyes.Someone who's smiling.And someone who's about to kiss you.I'm typing this with a big smile on my face.And as always,the music playing in the background is perfect.High notes played gently on a piano.
Of course it's Dragonfly that's making me feel all this.He's perfect.Although he doesn't see it.Or we are.Together.Whether we're at someone's party gossiping about every person who walks past us or just lying in the sound.I never thought we'd get where we are at the moment.I thought it would just be me.That's holding on.That's how he's ben making me feel all this time anyway.But somehow i felt like i know him better,and that what he was doing was just trying to avoid feeling anything.Because,he,like i do,knows that sometimes feeling can mean hurting too.But he's always been better at putting on the mask than i have.Anyway,just a few days ago,he slowly started to show me where his head is at.It all started with me not calling him.That made a difference to him.More than i thought.That i heard a "Can i kiss you?" from him.All this time,he's just been letting me ask the question and reciprocating.I knew he wasn't doing it himself because he was scared and maybe thought it was better to keep things going this way.But that night,as i blabbered and blabbered about how i thought of things and made a few lame jokes(Okay!More than a few!),he suddenly burst with "You're so adorable,Blackbird!".Aah!He said my name.I didn't even have time to think about that because of his next question that came almost immediately after.The "Can i kiss you?" question.I just muttered "Mmm-hmm" and let him do it.Inside,i felt myself smiling,and feeling like i've finally won something.It wasn't a competetion.Just a theory i'd made about him that he's just proven.After that night,things have just gotten better.Warmer.The kind of warmer you feel when you're in a room with the air-conditioner on very high cooling and you're wrapped in thick,soft quilt.Or even when you're all bundled up in the cold and drinking hot chocolate.
All this talking of the cold makes me think of the sound of christmas bells.I love the sound!
The thing is,i associate feelings with taste,smell,touch and sound.Like right now,i'm eating this delicious cold mango and white chocolate cake.It's a work of art really.So perfect.Just like how i'm feeling right now.

Even though,all this is what is inside my head,keeping me at a state of bliss,things have happened.Things with Hair have reached a whole new level of terrible.As have things with Baby.I don't even want to think about it.I can't talk about it even if i want to,which i do,because usually that helps me feel better.Fox left without saying goodbye last week and i felt like we really had nothing special between us.But this morning,i got a message from him telling me he's thinking of me and apologising for leaving so suddenly.Apparently he'd gotten into an accident.I'll probably hear all about it tonight.And the sudden appearance of Football.A very very good friend of mine.He doesn't live here in Chennai.He lives in Bombay.He'd made this new year resolution to meet me.And he's keeping it.Now.When i least expected it.I got a call from an unknown local number and i picked up to hear his voice,which i haven't heard in over a month.He said he'd wanted to surprise me.So i guess he and i will be watching a movie tomorrow.I don't think i can tell my mum about him because i don't think she'd approve of us going alone together.I wouldn't too if i was her,but Football and i know we're great as just friends and that's comforting.I wish things were that clear with myself and certain other people.I talked to my darling Horse this morning and we were talking about how we both miss fighting with each other at the hostel.I love that girl.
I have learnt to think of all the great things that are happening instead of feeling miserable about all the things that are going wrong.What's the point of anything holding you back?After all,shouldn't the silver lining define you?
All i can think of now is kissing Dragonfly. *Sigh*

Last thoughts:

"Show me,show me,show me how you do that trick",
"The one that makes me scream" she said,
"The one that makes me laugh" she said,
And threw her arms around my neck.
"Show me how you do it,
And I promise you, I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you".

Spinning on that dizzy edge,
I kissed her face and kissed her head,
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow.
"Why are you so far away?" she said,
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you,
That I'm in love with you".

You,
Soft and only,
You.
Lost and lonely,
You.
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans,
Twisting in the water,
You're just like a dream.

Daylight licked me into shape,
I must have been asleep for days,
And moving lips to breathe her name,
I opened up my eyes.
And found myself alone,alone,
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved,
And drowned her deep inside of me.

You,
Soft and only,
You.
Lost and lonely,
You.
Just like heaven.

Yellow

Third post!
And today,i'm in the mood for purely Coldplay music while typing this.I've had an amazing day.Even though i was supposed to wake up by 7.30 AM,which of course i didn't because once again i was awake till around 6 AM talking to a very dear friend,Pink.I've missed her so much.And she strangely thinks the exact same way i do.What i mean is,everytime we see something funny,we find exact same reason to laugh about that thing.And she pictures exactly what i picture sometimes.Of course,this doesn't apply to every single thing.That's not possible.We're different people and it's nice like that.I don't think i'd want to be hanging out somebody exactly like me.What's the fun in that?That's why i love our group at college so much.Each of us sort of form a unique piece of our very own little jigsaw puzzle.And i miss each and every one of them!For different reasons.I'm listening to an amazing song.'Life in Technicolour'.That's a song that just never stops to make me recognise some new sound each time i hear it.It's so pretty.And i think it's called what it's called very aptly.And the video is adorable!

Anyway,as i was saying,i woke up late once again.I think by around 12.30 PM.My mum of course did not approve.Anyway,i finally got my ass up and decided to make a call.I hadn't talked to Dragonfly all of yesterday and i planned to confront him about it today.But as soon as he picked up,half my mind just asked me to ditch it and make some 'happy' conversation.But the other,thank god that was more dominant,told me to straighten things up.Tell him how i feel.Get it out.Even if to him,it might have sounded like all this was coming from me too soon.I mean,i had barely given him any time to prove anything to me right?I mean,he was probably just tired and had fallen asleep right?But were these reasons really going to stop me from thinking about the whole thing and actually believing that he didn't call me because he couldn't and not wouldn't?Hell no!So i got it out.I explained to him.There was a long awkward silence.I know he'd heard what i had just said.So was he thinking of hanging up?What was it?Why wasn't he saying anything?What the hell?I didn't know him anymore!How was i supposed to know what he was really thinking?And besides,i'm too insecure to believe any good was coming my way.Finally,he said,he had fallen asleep and he was very sorry.I obviously,did not buy it.So i decided to ask him more questions.I do that a lot.To test people.I feel like it'll get me somewhere.But,honestly,with him,i was too scared to ask him anything.What he told me something i really didn't want to hear.I asked him what we were.What was i to him.And again,after a long awkward silence,he cleared his throat,and he said "We're friends."
Somehow,when he said that,i felt like everything i'd worked for had come crashing down.Was this guy for real?Were we really just friends?So i asked him "Really?".He answered "Yes Blackbird,we're friends.You're one of my closest ones actually."He's always had that habit of saying my name.He almost said my name in every sentence.And i loved that about him.When he said my name that time,in seconds i was thinking about how once,there was a network problem with my cellphone.And how my voice was go on and off on his end,everytime he called.I could hear him clearly on my end.It was frustrating of course till there was this point we reached every time,when he couldn't hear me at all.And this would go on for about 20-30 seconds.And as every one of those 20-30 seconds passed,he'd say my name.Again and again and again.I know he was helpless.But that's not what i was thinking about.I loved the way he said my name.And i loved hearing him saying it again and again and again.With that tone of worry and helplessness.It sounded like he loved me.Really loved me.This was one of the few things that reminded me that he still loved me.I did mention,i'm a very insecure person right?Anyway,going back to our conversation,when i did actually get my head back to where i really didn't want to be,i realised he was waiting for me to say something.I just said 'Oh'.So he continued.There were apparently a lot of things he needed to talk to me about apparently.In person.I asked him why he couldn't just tell me everything over the phone.And so he started.He said he really wasn't even supposed to be talking to me anymore.He said all his friends had asked him to stop talking to me.They'd told him to start talking to me again when we'd both moved on and were too busy in our little lives to complicate the other one's.But still he was talking to me?I asked him "How come?".He explained to me that it'd been extremely easy for him to cut off his previous girlfriend.At that time,he'd believed he really loved her.And the fact that he could cut HER off was a big big deal.He'd cut off a lot of friends.I knew that.But he said,with me it was different.it was me.It was him and me.Me and him.We were us.How could he cut me off?I was extremely happy to hear that but i still managed to keep my tone relaxed and even a little bored.We talked off other things.But in the way he talked to me,i felt like just a friend,just a small little speck of dirt in his big huge dirty mucky windshield.But finally he said,"You know,i know you still like me a little bit".I turned red and held my breath.He continued.He sounded like he was smiling and i was too scared to think of what was coming next.Had i become just a thing to boost his ego?
"You know honestly?"

A little pause.I was still holding my breath.

"I like you a little bit too!"

I exhaled finally,very deeply.Who cares if i sounded like a balloon that had just been popped?Those were the words i had been praying to hear!And how nicely it was delivered!Retaining my composure,i smiled.He really was a sweetheart.Things had changed about him.But not that!I was glad.
"Ooh!",i almost nearly squeaked."You do?"
Of course,i didn't want to make it sound like it had made a difference to me,so i said "Hmm..okay".
He said "I think about you a lot.I think about all the stuff we did.Those were great memories."
I just said "Hmm..".I mean he did mention "memories" right?So this was the past?
"Sometimes i think about asking you out" he said."But i know it wouldn't work.We're just too far away.But that doesnt stop me from hurting."
Now i felt sad.What he was saying was true.Long distance relationships don't work!I had experience!So i said "I think that too.I think it wouldn't work too.I'm glad we're not together Dragonfly.I wouldn't want things to get screwed up again.We should just work on being friends.That's it".He sounded like he was giving one of his weak smiles.
Then,we continued talking about other things,fun things,like "friends" were supposed to.Once again,there was a silence.It wasn't awkward this time though.More thoughtful.So i asked him."What are you thinking about?"
And he said,rather quickly,"Asterix and Obelix".I laughed and i asked "Really?".When he said that,i thought of how in this movie "Never Been Kissed",Josie asks Guy what he's thinking about when they're dancing as Prom King and Queen on that beautiful stage.He stares at her for a while and he says "My sword".That totally cracked me up.I wondered if guys are really like that.There's a comfortable silence,and you're thinking "Yea,this guy is totally thinking about something that's meaningful or heartwarming".But no,instead he's thinking about the most random thing?Was Dragonfly like this too?
He did answer.To my "Really?" question.Not that i was even expecting an answer,let alone what came next.

He said "No.I was thinking about you."

I could've fainted hearing all that.

But me being "composed" and "cool" and "in control" of what was going on,i just laughed and said "Hmm.." again.
Then we talked for a while and he said he had to go.There was this one last question i was dying to ask.And it wasn't just a boring one.It was naughty.I wasn't sure he was ready to hear it then though.
Then this sudden streak of confidence hit me and i blurted "I need to ask you once last thing Dragonfly!".
Immediately after that i started whimpering saying "I don't know if i should do this" and "I'm scared" and blah blah.
But he convinced me to get it out.I was scared,once again,that his answer would be something i didn't want to hear.

I began with "So..".
"If i kissed you?Would you kiss me back?"
Once again i was breathless.What was going to say?Maybe i should just learn to keep my trap in control!
Annoyingly,he said "Where?If you kissed me where?".He was smiling.It was obvious.

So i just said "You really don't know where?On the lips fool!"
I think one part of me fainted,shocked with the guts i suddenly had.

He laughed.And he said "Yes,actually,i think i would kiss you back.On the lips."

Both of us laughed.I felt a lot lighter.I could also feel change.Something better was coming for both of us,finally.

"So when we're both done with college,you promise you'll take me on a date?A real one?"

He laughed."I promise,Blackbird".

Aah!He said my name!I felt giddy.And so happy i could talk to him normally again.
He hung up and we both decided to talk to each other later.
We did infact.About 5 times after that conversation.

For the rest of the day,i passed time with 2 friends,one i happen to have an immensely huge crush on,Fox,because he's such a great guy with an ever greater body.Haha!I'm probably seeing him again tomorrow and i can't wait!
It's fun having random crushes on people.It makes life more interesting!

Anyway,what i did feel at the end of the day,before i started to type out this post was this.
Things were getting better.
It was a new beginning.A new chapter.With a few pages borrowed from the previous chapter.
I still loved for the same reasons.And i knew i was being loved for the same reasons.
God knows what's going to happen in the near future.
But i definitely can't wait to find out!

Last thought:

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all "Yellow."

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true.
Look how they shine for you.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

Split Screen Sadness

So..This is my second post.I don't know if i'm used to this yet.It's liking meeting a person you met for a while who you think you like.You're not sure you like him yet.But you wouldn't mind seeming him again.And before you do,you're nervous,but still a little excited.Hmm..I'm listening to 'Hotel California' by The Eagles.That's one song the whole world has heard!I know this guy,Nose,who has a sort of strange taste in music.Don't get me wrong,i'm not judging the person he is.But his taste is a little weird.He likes the Bee Gees(i like them too..sometimes.They can be fun!),Boney M,some over-rated songs by Linkin Park,some by Bryan Adams and of course,'Hotel California'.I mean,isn't that a little strange?How can you like only taht much and listen to that much?Doesn't you taste in music grow with you?Expand too?He's just stuck.Or maybe i'm just mean.See,i can get like that.I should leave him and his taste alone and not write about it right?But i can't!Anyway,the song.The lines that really make me think are probably 'Some dance to remember,Some dance to forget'.
What i really feel like listening to right now is 'Behind Blue Eyes'.The one by Limp Bizkit.There's something about the way Fred Durst sings it that just makes me go 'aah'.Haha.I just searched for it on iTunes and i can't find it!How annoying!I'll just have to settle with what's playing now then.'Outside' by Staind.The thing is,this song hardly makes me think.
Aah!I can't take it anymore!Next song!

Aah!And this is a 'good' 'aah'.'Flying High' by Jem.I love this song.When i'm in the mood and this song is all i can hear,i feel it.Jem's voice is beautiful.I was watching this show on TV.On Discovery Travel and Living(I love the channel!).And there was thing on a couple getting married.On a hot air balloon.I don't know if that's very romantic.First of all,i'm scared of heights.And second,where's the bloody space for your poor guests?!Anyway,when they were exchanging vows,this song was playing.And i hadn't heard in a really long time and i thought,i have to listen to this tonight before i go to bed.And after i watched that program,i had a shower.It was around 12.15 AM.And really,i was expecting Dragonfly to call.He hasn't called all day and it worries me.I hate the distance we have between us now that just never seems to stop growing.We were really something else a while back but now,it just hurts.Anyway,i thought i'd put my phone on silent.Sort of on-purpose not hear the phone ringing if he called and maybe make him feel a little 'Where is she?I need to talk to her!'.But that didn't happened.It's 2.37 AM.And he still hasn't called.What i really wanted to do tonight was put up this post and sleep.But i got on Facebook.And Facebook being Facebook didn't let me do that.I chatted with Baby,OldMan and my biggest darling,Pink.I haven't talked to her in a while and i think it was nice catching up.Still,what i really wanted,even at that moment,was Dragonfly.Why does all this hurt so much?Why hasn't it stopped.I mean,it has been a while.I should be used to this.Right?Because of how depressed i've been over this entire week,due to various reasons,i haven't done much.I've just eaten things that gave me pimples and slept.And i missed my driving classes.And i was supposed to start going to the gym too.Hah.The gym.My affairs with the gym are funny and sad.The last time i went to the gym,i really lost weight and worked hard and all that.And this was just before my board exams.So when i went to the school the day of the first exam,i remember wearing a slightly more tight skirt.And someone noticed.It was my classmate's mum,Nosy Aunty.And she was all "My god!Blackbird!You've lost so much weight!Now all the boys will be after you!Blah blah bla..".She had no idea what i would look like by the time the exams were over.Nor did my trainer at the gym.Nor did i.When they were over,i was fat!And so ashamed of myself!Throughout,to stay awake to study,i'd eaten every last bit of cheese and crackers that was at home and ordered my mum to buy more.I was addicted to the stuff!The weird thing was,i didn't even like cheese till the first day of my exams.I hated it!What a problem that has become!The love for cheese.I have to worry about my weight more now!Worrying about weight is a horrible thing.I would never wish it on anyone.I always wonder why God made some of thin and some fat.It's just not fair.My sister eats anything that comes her way and still remains skinny.It sucks!

Now i'm listening to 'Dil Gira Dafataan' from Delhi-6.I love everything about the song.The instruments,the mood,the voice.Even the video.It's so soft.And a little strange but pretty too.Like a nice dream.I almost sigh every time i listen to it.There was thing Dragonfly used to do and sometimes still do.Completely break down a favourite song into different parts and discuss what we thought of each part.And maybe sometimes even make our own video of the song.I don't know what he really pictures when listens to this song.I think of him when i listen to this.And maybe even picture myself and him in the existing video.Especially the last part of it,when Sonam Kapoor removes the mask off Abhishek Bachan's head.It's so..aah!The thing is,i don't really think of Dragonfly this much.I don't have the time to.And sometimes i've just accepted what we have now.But there are times when i feel like things could be better and i believe he wants it to be better too and i want him to call and he doesn't call.And then i feel sad.But this doesn't usually happen much.That's probably because i'm not alone much.Now,i feel alone a lot.I have my people of course.Cartoon,Horse,Baby.Even Pink.They're my treasures.Still,they're all so far away.Baby feels close a lot though.
My story with Baby is a complete other thing.We're friends.And more than that.Much more than that.Sometimes,when i think i'm supposed to be thinking about Dragonfly i think about Baby.And then,i'm just confused.Baby and i have a past too.With ups and downs too.Things weren't s great with him for a while too but now i think they're at there best.But why am i confused?Is it Baby?Is it Dragonfly?Sometimes i think even be someone else.Someone everything hasn't happened yet with.I wish i could just fast forward you know?See who it is,that i'm going to have and keep forever with me.I'm a hopeless romantic.I love the idea of forever.And of actually having someone who's mine.Some people don't believe in that.I have every reason not to.My parents didn't work out,and i've heard of enough stories of cheating husbands and wives.But i won't be one of them.I just know it.I'll have the marriage that'll last.That'll have people saying "Look at them!Why can't we be more like them?!".Like my grandparents.They have an amazing marriage.They're each other's closest confidante and lover.

But right now,all that's playing in my head like a slideshow are the mistakes i made and the things i lost ing the process.And me wondering why i feel this way and why things have turned out this way.
I don't know how all these make me look.But i know what got me here.The little tiff i had with someone i maybe care the most about on default or even the fighting that i did with someone i'd dreamed about being forever with.
I'm sure we share the same sadness.Split Screen Sadness.

Last thoughts:

And I don’t know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wonderin' when the call comes
Where you say it’s alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch ‘till you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight.


"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's
Nothing to blame At the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can’t find a flight
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness.

I called
because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day
Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness.

Blackbird

So this is the first blog.It took me a REALLY long time to get started.First,i had a problem with my nickname and the name of my blog.I mean obviously this is an impression i'm setting right?I definitely didn't(still don't!) want to go wrong there.Why did i choose 'Blackbird'?Because it's cool!Haha.No,seriously,the song really touches me.And i don't mean in a 'it-touches-my-heart' way.It just does something.Changes the way i think.Or sometimes makes me think.And the singing.So not complicated.Just perfect.Great song!Like all the other Beatles' songs.

And my blog name.I had a huge problem with that too.I thought.For so long.I'd always pictured blogging with titles of those of songs.Songs i felt like that day.So i decided to call it something related to soundtrack.Or theme.I've always thought life(iaah..it already sounds philosophical and *sigh*) was a lot like a movie and each moment has it's own little song.I did't want something too cheesy or wannabe and i thought OST sounded least of anything of that sort.So OST!

I really don't know what to type about in a blog.Do i describe myself?Mention the things i like?Do i already make what kind of person i am perfectly clear to someone?When i actually mention the things i like and don't like,aren't you already sizing me up and deciding for yourself who i am?Is that fair?No!So i think i'll let you figure out yourself.I'll just type down everything that's going on my head and stop there.

I haven't had a very productive day.And i really didn't think i'd end up actually starting to blog today.I did have a few phonecalls,some of which surprised me.And made me think.I always think.I over-think.It irritates me to a very large extent.Me and a lot of my friends.But i do have company.And when i feel like that,i talk to Penguin.Or Horse.Or even Football.I write to Baby.Or sometimes even talk to him.But what i dream about most is doing all this with Dragonfly.Writing to him.Talking to him.Just sitting quietly and listening to my ipod with him.I don't know if he fills my head every single time i have a problem,but i know i wish i had him.Everyone feels so far away sometimes.
Now that we have our holidays,and i'm back home,maybe things should have gotten easier when it comes to talking to certain people.It has.For some.Still,i do have my 'alone' moments.
The thing is,i'm not always this person.I'm not the depressed-forever,sympathy-seeking person really.Most people see me as an extremely happy person.Hyper.Loud.Warm.Maybe it's what i'm listening to just now that's affecting me.Of course it it!'Just Feel Better' - Santana ft. Steve Tyler.Brilliant song!

Anyway,i think i'll end here.Somehow i think if i write more and more today i might just over-think about a few things and end up crying.That happens a lot.And i cry at the drop of a hat.
So i'm going to stop.
Is that weird?
Anyway.
Maybe i'll get better fast.Looking forward to doing this again!

Last thoughts:

'And I know, I know, I know,
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason.
I don't, I don't, I don't
It goes I never went before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better,
Tell me what to do,
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better..'