Wonderwall

It has been a while since i last blogged,again. And slowly i'm getting more and more frustrated with myself. I mean wasn't i the one who got all hyped up about blogging and made such a big deal about it and all that? Where has all that energy gone? Why does the energy always die? I was very ready to crack a lame joke about the Black Eyed Peas' album "The E.N.D" and what i've just said but i'm really no mood to even listen to my own poor lame jokes. I'm feeling awfully thoughtful today,sort of that absorbing everything around you sort of it. Even if i had an opinion on something right now,i wouldn't let it out in the open by speech. This is usually when i like to type. When i send the best text messages or write the best emails,or if i'm already on the phone,make the silence enjoyable in a silence-is-comforting sort of way. I do love silence. Of course not all the time. I'm a loud person. Loud enough. I don't mean screaming at the top of my voice everytime i'm excited at all. I mean i love to laugh. And make people laugh. And be happy. And bright. But how does that even mean i'm loud? I have no idea. Yes,now i feel like my lips are glued to each other but more than an hour ago,i was with my brother. Or atleast someone who might as well have been my brother. His mum and mine are best friends. They have been for a while. Futurekid is about three years younger than me but has still managed to do a lot more with the opposite sex than i have. He has an older brother,Loner who is about a year younger than me. He's in another country now studying business management. Seems like everyone's studying that. Even the engineers are being told to study it. So many from my college are planning to finish their 4 years of their B.E. course and move onto business management instead of moving on to doing Masters in a particular branch of engineering. Somehow i find that stupid. Okay i get that you need a sense of business and all that to move forward in your life but don't you need to finish what you started first? Leaving things incomplete has always irritated me. Whether it's cleaning only half a room,studying only half a chapter for an exam or watching just half of a movie. Yes,i may have done these things,but that does not mean that it doesn't sit in my head and very slowly rip it apart in the process. What was i really going to talk about? Aah,Futurekid and Loner. They're both very different from my sister and i. As different as can be infact. They've obviously been brought up differently,they have different priorities and their mother has an extremely different tolerance level from my mother. Mine doesn't allow me to even travel by public transport. Not anywhere in this city anyway. But when i'm at college,i can do what i want by which i mean i can travel by public transport. And i can do that alone. Not that my mum approves. But i feel like my mum doesn't approve of some of the strangest things. When i really think about that,i start to wonder what kind of a mother i will be. Will i let my daughter talk to all the boys she wants to? Will i let her do all the things my mum has let me to do with my boyfriend? Will i even let her have a boyfriend? Will i let her go out at night? I really don't know. Sometimes,i'm grateful for having a mother who's so cool with a lot of things i do. Still,i have done nothing Futurekid and Loner have done have i?
I hadn't met Futurekid in a while. He's the kind of guy who always a lot of these scandolous-but-true stories to tell. And he always tells them so brilliantly. I love the face he makes when he's telling them. Does he even have any idea of i occasionally blank out on what he's saying and just stare at his mature-but-kiddy face? When that happens i just feel like giving him a hug. But he's not like that. We're not like that. We don't hug. We don't tell each other we'll miss each other. We don't talk to each other when we're away. We don't even always remember we have each other. But we know. We know that when we see each other,nothing would've changed and we'll still be where we were,continue where we left off. Atleast i know. I know and i'm sure that he doesn't think about all this. It's a simple stupid thing to think about really and i'm sure he has better things to think about. Still,some of the things that come out of his mouth sometimes makes me believe all this,and believe in him. And us. No matter what people say,no matter how different we really are,no matter how much he drinks or smokes,i know that deep down,he is a kid. My kid brother. Who loves to tell stories.

My mum and i were out shopping for home appliances(Gosh how boring and ugh that sounds!) and looking for a few things for my new room back in college when my mum got a call from Cool Aunty,Futurekid's mum called. She asked to meet her at this coffee shop in a five star restaurant. When we got there i asked her why she'd randomly come to this place. And she said she'd really needed to take a leak but she felt too bad to just do that and spend any money at any of the restaurants at the hotel. The three of us laughed when she said that and i felt good thinking it's nice that people don't really completely grow up. It's nice to know that even 10-20 years from now,there is a possibility that i'll still be having stupid random thoughts everytime i'm in a situation. Anyway,we sat at that coffee shop for a while,talking about stupid things,when we finally decided we were all too hungry to go back home to eat dinner. There's a great restaurant at that hotel,one of my favourites,that serves the best black dal and stuffed kulchas in my opinion. So we went up there and and she decided to call Futurekid and ask him to join us. My sister's exams are going on at the moment and when we called her to ask her if she wanted to join us she exclaimed "No! I'm studying with Awkard on the phone! Please buy some coffee powder on the way back. I need to drink coffee all night. Oh and pack some dal!" So it was going to be the four of us. Of course Futurekid started off with a new super-scandolous story. He talked and talked and talked. He was so into telling me the story he'd hardly even touched his food. He's particular about using his hands to demonstrate how everything happens in all his stories. Of course i did that blanking out a little bit. I even heard my mum tell Cool aunty "Did you ever think that one day your son and my daughter would be in such an intense discussion?". I thought about that. Even i'd have never thought that Futurekid and i'd be sitting in the same table,let alone being involved in an intense discussion. By the time desserts had even been eaten,his story finally reached it's end. Sadly,it was time to go back home. My mum and his mum,who were in a hurry to use the loo again,disappeared off in an elevator while Futurekid and i,lost in our discussion missed that one and waited for another. Our discussion reached a topic that was sensitive to him. Girls. I asked him how he'd never felt anything on the emotional side for any girl. He said he could never even imagine doing anything that making out with a girl. He said "Talking to girls is boring. There's not much you can say after a point." I told him he just hadn't met the right person. He refused to believe me. By this time we were in the elevator. Then i asked " So i'm boring too huh?". He said,"Are you kdding? You think i'll ever find a girl like you? You're so much fun! There's no-one like you!". When he said that,it hit me. See the thing is,he didn't say it for it to hit me. He just said it. It's not like he'd even paused and thought about it. It'd come so spontaneously. And that made me so happy. I decided to let there be any sweet silence because that's not how it was all supposed to happen and decided to think about it once we got home. I just smiled and told him that he just hadn't found the right girl. We reached the entrance and our cars greeted us there. We got into our cars hardly even giving each other a hug and went our own seperate ways. I didn't know when i was going to see him next but i know that didn't matter. I'd still have everything from when we'd seen each other this time. That's always how it's been. What's strange is how its not like this with everyone. There are some people we need to talk to every day,every week,because we're scared or we believe that things will change with time unless we don't let it change. And then there are those with whom nothing changes. Not even with time. Does that mean that we love these people more? I still don't know if it means something. Maybe it has something to do with our own insecurities and how differently they come up with different people.

On my ride home,i think of how some people say things which are not even said in the kind of way that makes us remember those words forever but still does. How many times has that happened to me? How many things have people said that've gone unnoticed? Does everyone really listen to me when i whisper "I love you" to them? Who's really listening to everything you say? Who's really meaning everything they're saying?

I was doing this quiz today where i came across this question about "soulmates" and what i thought of them. Did i even believe they existed at all? Did i not believe they existed but secretly wish i'd be proved wrong? What did i think? I thought for a while. The soulmates issue is definitely something to me. I wasn't sure i knew what a soulmate was when i told someone that he was my soulmate. If i truly believed that he was my soulmate,why then when i met new people did i believe one or two of them were my soulmates too? There was option that said "Believe that a soulmate is not just one person and maybe divided between a few people". I chose that. Maybe a part of my soulmate is in Baby. Another in Pink. Another in Dragonfly. My soulmate is everything i am. Not my other half. But everything i am. I think that's the difference between "The One" and a soulmate. "The One" is your other half. Everything you're not. Everything you wished you were. But your soulmate is the other person who has the very same sense of identity you have inside you.

So what would i sing to my soulmate? I was really just going to post the lyrics of this song but i decided not to be so lazy and boring and decided to write a little bit. I don't know if there's another song i could possibly want to sing.

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you shoulda, somehow, realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you
By now you shoulda somehow realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall.